I’m not sure if this is fake or not, considering the Sun is such a reliable source of news and events, but either way it made me laugh. The article reads:

All I could think about after reading that was this… though this would be the opposite of the “kiss of life” I suppose:

Oh, or this…

My goal for Heavy Metal Geek is and always has been to make a site that not only pleases myself to write, but pleases others to read as well. I enjoy writing about a number of topics, though as you can probably tell if you’ve looked through the 100 or so posts that currently makes up this site, I usually stick pretty close to 3 things: Music, Movies and all that is geek. For the hell of it, I’d like to take a quick minute here and ask you, the poor fuck who’s somehow stumbled onto my website, what you’d like to see here on HMG.

More movie reviews? More site features? More Music That Doesn’t Suck?! Leave a comment by clicking the link below and let me know. Or don’t. You fuck.

Note: Just FYI, since I’ve had inquiries, I do have a Watchmen review incoming, as well as a few other choice selections.

Opeth – “The Grand Conjuration”
From the album: Ghost Reveries

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Why this song doesn’t suck:
From the first moment to the last, “The Grand Conjuration” cannot be described as anything but one huge, angry metal-to-the-bone song. Progressive death metal giants Opeth have always been a band to expand on their sound and create music of epic, sprawling proportions, and this song is no different. One of my favorite tracks off their 2005 album, Ghost Reveries, this song is 10 and a half minutes of creative and haunting guitar licks, intense drumming and a mix of ominous to absolutely brutal vocals as provided by band mainman, Mikael Akerfeldt.

From the CollegeHumor.com veterans, Derrick Comedy, comes a feature film of incredible proportions! Three childhood friends, each possessing their own unique abilities, battle teachers, drug dealers, store clerks and small children in an epic quest to solve a double homicide! They are… THE MYSTERY TEAM! Vomiting into headwear! Intercourse with baked goods! Tri-fucking! Yes, this is sure to be a film to remember!

This flick premiered at Sundance this past January and received an enormous amount of praise and support from numerous magazines and websites, including Entertainment Weekly, CHUD.com, Slashfilm.com and Cinematical.com. No news yet on if and when this will be hitting DVD, but it looks like the movie is making the rounds with some small private screenings… one of which is today in New York City. Be sure to check into the film’s official website for more info, and of course go to DerrickComedy.com for some good laughs.

Make the jump to check out the Mystery Team trailer…

Hypocrisy – “Fearless”
From the album: Virus

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Why this song doesn’t suck:
Holy shit, this song rocks. There’s little more that can be said about this track, or nearly anything Sweden’s Hypocrisy manages to crank out. I have to say I’m impressed and pretty partial to almost everything band mainman Peter Tägtgren, who in the case of Hypocrisy’s 2005 album, Virus, also served as producer and mixer, cranks out. I’m a huge fan of Peter’s sideband, Pain (which I’m sure will be featured in this series at some point), though Hypocrisy has always had a more full-on balls-crushing metal quality to them. An excellent example of what draws me to the brutality of this band is the song “Fearless”. It’s heavy as hell while still staying catchy and memorable.

Dark Tranquillity – “Therein”
From the album: Projector

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Why this song doesn’t suck:
When most metal fans hear the term “Gothenberg Metal”, coined after the Swedish city where the subgenre originated, Dark Tranquillity is usually near the top of the list of bands that are brought to mind. Since 1993 and continuing even today, Dark Tranquillity has been leading the pack when it comes to the distinctive Gothenberg sound. From using more melodic guitar riffs and solos to more diverse and varied song structures, the bands of Gothenberg, Sweden laid the groundwork for the melodic death metal genre as it’s known today. Along with At the Gates and In Flames (before their music turned to pure, unfiltered shit once the 21st century hit), Dark Tranquillity are the pioneers of what is probably my favorite genre of all of music, and their 1999 album, Projector, shows just why that is.