I recently upgraded my mobile music capacity by purchasing a new iPod. By replaced my 60GB iPod Video with the impressive new 160GB iPod Classic, I gained a newly polished and refined user interface, a metal front that won’t get scratched to hell, and the ability to haul my entire music collection in the tiny confines of my front pocket. While some people may argue that I had an entire 60 gigs to do so beforehand… I stand my ground in saying I like having the ability to listen to what I want, when I want. I’m a collector. I don’t do single tracks. If there’s a song on the radio you like, chances are there are half a dozen more on the album that are far superior, or hell, half a dozen other albums by that artist that completely outshine anything that the radio stations would care to play. And when you start collecting those albums, hard drive space tends to get filled very quickly.

Needless to say, I have a huge music collection… nearly 130GB and nearing 500 artists. Variety is key, and when it comes to the umbrella genres of metal and rock, there are numerous subgenres to pull from. I like the ability to pull from any of those subgenres whenever I feel the need to. However, it seems I may have been slightly hasty in dropping quite the pretty penny on a new gadget, when a simple application can provided the same convenience to anyone at no additional cost. As long as you own an iPhone or iPod Touch that is.

Personally, I wouldn’t be someone who would stand in huge line for anything aside from a rollercoaster. But I’m also not the kind of dick who would openly mock people that do decide to wait in line for a product directly to their faces… while on the job… on live TV. Reporter Eric Spillman from Los Angeles’ KTLA proved that he, on the other hand, is exactly that kind of dick by asking iPhone fanatics such news-worthy questions as “have you ever seen a naked woman before?” Oh, how original Mr. Newsman. That question hits so close to home… none of us have ever been able to so much as get to first base, what with our extreme awkwardness, giant glasses and binary-talk and all. We’re geeks! We just stay at home all day and eat Cheetos, drink Mountain Dew and play our internet games on our nerdy computersss (okay, maybe some of us do). Either way, I hate to tell you Eric, but geeks are the new cool. We control everything. Don’t piss us off or we’ll blue screen your laptop and tell you to blow us when you call for tech support. Then we’ll see who’s mocking who, ass.

Now, I’d like to start by saying that I can see why many people have such contempt toward the iPhone… it’s expensive, seemingly pointless to some people, and iPhone owners such as myself are often portrayed as royal douchebags that like to flaunt around their pricey gadgetry like it’s an extension of their cock. In fact, often times when I take it out to check the time or see if I received any calls I’m either told to put away my iPenis or ToolPhone. But you know what? FUCK ‘EM. This thing is damn useful.

For one, I suck at remembering dates. I just can’t do it. The part of my brain used to store that kind of information was long ago filled with more valuable knowledge, such as the lyrics to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song or which Stephen King novels contain Dark Tower references. So once I purchased a device that let me carry around a list of all the shit I needed to do in the coming weeks right in my pocket, life became much easier. “Well, other phones have calendars as well,” some dicks may say… yeah, well those are a pain in my ass to update. Which leads me to my second point:

The keyboard. It’s incredibly intuitive and easy to use after only a few minutes of use. And best of all it’s a hell of a lot faster to use than a cell phone keypad, which just plain sucks. Using the number keys to type anything is a pain in the ass and takes far more time and effort than any text message warrants. I have visions of my sister fervently typing across the digits of her cell for five goddamn minutes to send a one sentence message. I mean, shit, this is the reason why people bitch about text messages and just say to call if you want to talk. And sure I could get a clunky Blackberry, but then I may be inclined to connect the thing to my work’s Exchange server. Yeah, I really want to see work e-mails on the weekend. No thanks. Plus those keyboards have such tiny buttons you practically have to shape your fingers in an electric pencil sharpener so you don’t end up mashing multiple letters at once. I feel like fat Homer Simpson using those things. “We’re sorry, your fingers are too fat. Please punch the fuck out of the front of the cell phone to receive a dialing stick.”