| (Super Short) Movie Review: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’ |
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I’m going to keep this extremely short and sweet: if you are a huge fan of the 80′s G.I. Joe cartoon, was obsessed with collecting the action figures or were an avid reader of the comic books, this movie will piss you right the hell off. While Stephen Sommers has indeed created an escapist action/fantasy movie much in the same vein as his ‘Mummy’ and ‘Van Helsing’ efforts (read: shit), his vision of G.I. Joe bares almost no resemblance to the real American heroes of childhoods past. The movie follows that new white guy actor and one of those zany Wayanses as they join a covert group of blah blah blah who cares? This movie has explosions, jets, rockets, guns, ninjas, hot chicks and nanobots… do you really expect the plot to make much sense? It doesn’t. There’s some rich dude that wants to rule the world and Cousin Eddie’s little brother is there with his multicultural team of badasses to stop him from doing something or other with… rockets? Was it rockets? Full of Nickelodeon Gak? That sounds right. Honestly, your brain pretty much shuts down 5 minutes in. All in all, if, like me, you were never a fanboy of the original series when younger, you’ll find this movie to be just about as good an action movie you’d expect the guy behind ‘Deep Rising’ to produce. It’s no masterpiece (or even what most people would call, what’s the word? “Good”?), but it certainly delivers the kind of adrenaline-doused fare Summer moviegoers enjoy gawking over while downing handfull after handfull of popcorn. Whatever you do, do not – I repeat: DO NOT – try to make any connections with this movie to the original series. Your head will collapse like a dying star. ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’ is retarded, mindless fun that certainly doesn’t warrant any more of my time to review. So that’s it. You’ve just read the best review for this movie in existence. Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome. Now go keep all your braincells and see ‘The Hurt Locker’ or ‘Moon’ instead. |
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