Oh Comcast, you rascals, you. I know times are tough, what with the huge amounts of dough you’re raking in from the thousands upon thousands of unlucky souls you fiscally rape every month for cable and Internet service such as myself, but come on… cut me a little slack here. At least get out the Vaseline before you try to forcibly penetrate my wallet.

My lease was up at the end of December this past year, so I decided to move to a new apartment. It was a nice, cozy place and I was looking forward to having someplace new to call home. I wanted to make sure that my new place was all set and I’d have everything I needed once I moved in on the weekend of the 1st. I called the electric company and got my service scheduled for the change of address. I went to the post office and had my address changed. I even went through all of my online accounts and updated the mailing addresses. But silly, silly me… I thought bringing my Comcast equipment from my old place to my new place was going to be as easy a process as all of those upbeat, happy people on the Comcast commercials make it out to be. WRONG.

Roughly 2 months after I take up residence at my new apartment, I get up and get ready for work as usual. As I normally do in the morning, I go to check my e-mail. I notice my Internet is down. I check the TV. The ever helpful “This Channel Will Be Available Shortly” message glares at me as I scroll through every show displayed in my on-screen guide. Thanks Comcast, I think to myself as I get dressed and head off to work… this is definitely the best way to start the day: with the thought of having to call Comcast tech support and ask for someone to tell me what the hell is going on.

About half way through the day, and before I’d had a chance to call to find out why my service had been interrupted, my cell rings. On the other end was what I could only assume was a Comcast employee on his very first day of training. After a good 45 seconds of stammering, awkward pauses, and what sounded to be the slowest, yet strangely loudest, keyboard typing I’ve ever heard, the guy on the other end of the line finally gets to the point. Apparently, even though I paid my bill on time, I have a past-due amount on my account. Fine, I think… maybe I somehow forgot a payment during the move. Hell, maybe a payment wasn’t processed and I hadn’t noticed. However, I found it quite odd when, after asking how much I need to pay, the person on the other end of the line tells me that I owe Comcast $650.

Um, excuse me? Six hundred and fifty dollars? As in a good 65% toward a cool thousand? I call bullshit. Mr. First Day persists & continues on to tell me that I need to pay this balance immediately.

After 15 more minutes of listening to Comcastman mutter, “hmmmmm…”, “well, how do I…”, and “what the…” under his breath as he tap, tap, taps away at his keyboard, I’m finally provided with what sounds to be a logical answer. For some strange reason, Comcast had it in their records that I received a new DVR and cable box when the all-powerful Comcast installation wizard came out to my place to hook my service up. It also went on to say that I never returned my old equipment, and was thus being charge somewhere in the area of “way too goddamn much” for said equipment.

Hmmm, interesting, I thought. Especially considering I never even had the Comcast guy enter my apartment when my service was activated and never even met the guy face-to-face, hence I never even laid eyes on any new equipment. What was also perplexing to me about this charge was the fact that I was still using the DVR and cable box from my old address… just as I was told to do… and the serial numbers for both are in Comcast’s system to keep them activated. Don’t you think it may be a good idea to double-check to see if the serials from the two addresses match up before trying to screw someone out of over six-hundred bucks? Oh, no? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, after explaining the situation what felt like numerous times to the Comcast-drone-in-training, it was finally agreed that, no, I didn’t have to pay a ton of money for no reason, and yes, my service would be restored. When I got home that night, my service had indeed been restored. I watched “House”, and all was right with the world.

Now. I probably wouldn’t be giving as much a shit as I currently do if what happened back then was the end of the story. But no. It wasn’t.

I get home today and flick on the TV, and what do I see? Why, a nice black screen telling me that “This Channel Will Be Available Shortly”. YAY. I immediately check my Internet… and to very little surprise I find that it’s down. I grab my cell phone and dial the dreaded numbers and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

5 minutes go by. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. Nearly 23 minutes after I pressed the Call button I finally get a non-prerecorded human voice speaking to me. After doing the standard identity check, I ask why my service has been interrupted. Well, what d’ya know, I have a past due balance on my account. For how much, you ask? $650 of course. It seems the last person I’d talked to, though able to get my service restored for another month, was not all that up to par on taking the B.S. charge off my account. Thanks for making me past due again, man… I just love waiting on hold for half the night and explaining why my service isn’t working and I shouldn’t be charged a boatload of money to some other Comcastinite the other half (and then ranting about it on my website the third half of the night).

Well, either way, my service is back up again. Now, I’m just gonna sit on my couch, enjoy my cable while I have it, and await next month when I’ll most likely have to do this all over again. This truly is Comcastic.