Do you know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are? Fuck… I’m sorry. Yeah, same here, but I sure as hell wish I didn’t. These are two of the FAKEST motherfuckers on the planet, and for some unknown reason, they are considered famous enough to warrant their own goddamn TV show. They’re two of the overprivelaged, spoiled cunts that reside on the lowest of all television stations (aside from Lifetime) MTV via their stupid-ass “reality” show, ‘The Hills’.

Now, I think I could do a pretty good job ragging on these two fucknuts, but my buddy Nyck already did a pretty damn good job at it already. Check out his take on these fucktards at Press the Nyck Button.

I’m a huge fan of The Consumerist. I think it’s a site anyone with access to the Internet should visit on a constant and ongoing basis. Many an afternoon has been spent reading through dozens of entertaining and infuriating stories dealing with horrible consumer experiences. If you’re pissed at Comcast or Bank of America, this is the place to air your grievances and more often than not, get some support or relief from the issues you’re enduring. Hell, at least you’ll be reassured you’re not alone in your misery. Want to read about Monster Cable absurdly & groundlessly suing the asses off everyone using the word “Monster”, not to mention completely ripping off any consumer who actually makes the mistake of purchasing their overpriced products? This is the place as well. With content that’s updated numerous times throughout the day, it’s a great place to visit anytime you’re bored or would like a quick insight into the continual decline of customer service.

However, sometimes some of the most mindnumbingly retarded shit gets posted to that website. Shit that I, or any person with half a functional brain, couldn’t possibly care any less about.

Personally, I wouldn’t be someone who would stand in huge line for anything aside from a rollercoaster. But I’m also not the kind of dick who would openly mock people that do decide to wait in line for a product directly to their faces… while on the job… on live TV. Reporter Eric Spillman from Los Angeles’ KTLA proved that he, on the other hand, is exactly that kind of dick by asking iPhone fanatics such news-worthy questions as “have you ever seen a naked woman before?” Oh, how original Mr. Newsman. That question hits so close to home… none of us have ever been able to so much as get to first base, what with our extreme awkwardness, giant glasses and binary-talk and all. We’re geeks! We just stay at home all day and eat Cheetos, drink Mountain Dew and play our internet games on our nerdy computersss (okay, maybe some of us do). Either way, I hate to tell you Eric, but geeks are the new cool. We control everything. Don’t piss us off or we’ll blue screen your laptop and tell you to blow us when you call for tech support. Then we’ll see who’s mocking who, ass.

Holy hell, Frito-Lay needs to hire a new marketing team. If this is the best they can come up with, they really aren’t deserving of their paychecks.

Hey, how about we take some bro’s modeling photo and use cut-n-paste blackmagic to jam Cheetos up his nose! Then let’s make it look like he’s lovingly gazing at a cloud of cheese dust as it gently caresses his beefy arm. Genius! There’s nothing like a suggestive blend of interspecies love and mucus-covered corn snacks that makes me want to munch on a handful of those cheesy little bastards. I’m guessing they had to crop the photo above the waist so we wouldn’t be put off by this dude’s  orange dust-covered junk. Also, what is it with these designers taking headshots and photoshopping stuff into nostils?!

Click the photo to view the beautiful full-size version!

Now, I’d like to start by saying that I can see why many people have such contempt toward the iPhone… it’s expensive, seemingly pointless to some people, and iPhone owners such as myself are often portrayed as royal douchebags that like to flaunt around their pricey gadgetry like it’s an extension of their cock. In fact, often times when I take it out to check the time or see if I received any calls I’m either told to put away my iPenis or ToolPhone. But you know what? FUCK ‘EM. This thing is damn useful.

For one, I suck at remembering dates. I just can’t do it. The part of my brain used to store that kind of information was long ago filled with more valuable knowledge, such as the lyrics to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song or which Stephen King novels contain Dark Tower references. So once I purchased a device that let me carry around a list of all the shit I needed to do in the coming weeks right in my pocket, life became much easier. “Well, other phones have calendars as well,” some dicks may say… yeah, well those are a pain in my ass to update. Which leads me to my second point:

The keyboard. It’s incredibly intuitive and easy to use after only a few minutes of use. And best of all it’s a hell of a lot faster to use than a cell phone keypad, which just plain sucks. Using the number keys to type anything is a pain in the ass and takes far more time and effort than any text message warrants. I have visions of my sister fervently typing across the digits of her cell for five goddamn minutes to send a one sentence message. I mean, shit, this is the reason why people bitch about text messages and just say to call if you want to talk. And sure I could get a clunky Blackberry, but then I may be inclined to connect the thing to my work’s Exchange server. Yeah, I really want to see work e-mails on the weekend. No thanks. Plus those keyboards have such tiny buttons you practically have to shape your fingers in an electric pencil sharpener so you don’t end up mashing multiple letters at once. I feel like fat Homer Simpson using those things. “We’re sorry, your fingers are too fat. Please punch the fuck out of the front of the cell phone to receive a dialing stick.”

Oh Comcast, you rascals, you. I know times are tough, what with the huge amounts of dough you’re raking in from the thousands upon thousands of unlucky souls you fiscally rape every month for cable and Internet service such as myself, but come on… cut me a little slack here. At least get out the Vaseline before you try to forcibly penetrate my wallet.

My lease was up at the end of December this past year, so I decided to move to a new apartment. It was a nice, cozy place and I was looking forward to having someplace new to call home. I wanted to make sure that my new place was all set and I’d have everything I needed once I moved in on the weekend of the 1st. I called the electric company and got my service scheduled for the change of address. I went to the post office and had my address changed. I even went through all of my online accounts and updated the mailing addresses. But silly, silly me… I thought bringing my Comcast equipment from my old place to my new place was going to be as easy a process as all of those upbeat, happy people on the Comcast commercials make it out to be. WRONG.