That’s it. I quit life.

I know I’m alienating roughly 95% of the females on the planet and destroying any chance of me getting laid in the near future by saying this, but I saw ‘Twilight‘ this weekend and HOLY SHIT… that movie blows. And I don’t mean blows in the way all of Will Farrell’s movies consistently make me wish bodily harm on him, or even in the way any movie starring Eddie Murphy is apt to make you want to punch yourself in the face for seeing it. When I say Twilight blows, I’m referring to the way it sucked the very essence of my being through my eyeballs. I wanted to die. I wanted to smash my head through the television screen to end the pain. The sweet relief of death would be welcome after sitting through two endless hours of these uninteresting goons staring at each other, biting their lips and playing baseball. This is some seriously trite shit and it makes me sad. So sad. It’s time… launch the nukes. We humans had our chance and we wasted it away. Just end it…

I know, I know… it’s been far too long since I last posted anything. I can’t really say why. I guess my heart really hasn’t been in it as of late (or some other completely lame cliche statement). But, as I’ve done numerous times before, I promise to knock it off and get some content up fairly soon (and in more frequent installments).

“You’ve said that before!” my half dozen readers shout. “You’re full of shit!”

Yeah, well fuck off. I can say whatever I damn well please, it’s my goddamn website. So yeah, expect some shit soon. Or not. Whatever.

On a completely unrelated note, I’m watching ‘Pearl Harbor’ on Encore right now and I want to Carradine myself with my mouse cord. Remember when the trailer for this movie hit and it looked super badass? Low-flying planes skimming the Hawaiian mountainsides, scaring unsuspecting women and children, followed by scene after scene of gratuitous explosions, upended battleships, Kate Beckinsale in a real life sexy nurse outfit and a machine gun toting pre-Gigli Ben Affleck? Kick ass, right? Yes. Kick ass. Right up until you get in the theater and Michael Bay decides to shove a thick veiny boring love story down your throat.

Fuck you Michael Bay. ‘Pearl Harbor’ blows.

Yesterday afternoon, I saw a post on Gizmodo that I felt I just needed to share… as if something inside me was “forcing” me to… (zing!). I think most Star Wars fans have been hoping for something of this sort since a long, long time ago (double-zing!). Aside from bastardizing the original Star Wars saga in more ways than can be counted, we also have the newest Indiana Jones to deal with. Jesus Christ, George. Jesus Christ. Shia Labeouf with swinging monkeys?? I think the only things keeping me from hunting you down personally are “The Last Crusade” and “Willow”. You may be a son of a bitch, but you know the way straight to my heart: Sean Connery and midgets.

I personally can’t wait for the Blu-ray 3D Special Edition / Original Sexilogy Boxset with 350 extra hours of “goddamn-I-love-Star-Wars-so-much-I-just-shot-an-intergallactic-twelve-roper-on-the-TV-screen” bonus features! Though if it doesn’t come in a 1:4 scale fully-functional deathstar collectors case, you can count me out…

Toothpastefordinner.com is one of my must-see sites during my ritualistic morning browsing session. A couple weeks back I saw the comic below, and I have to say it’s pretty much spot-on:

It did, however, forget the other vital bits of information… it needs to be done by tomorrow and for $200. Not like there’s anything to it or anything, right?

For the last hour I’ve been listening to the fruitless efforts of a small, clawed creature as it attempts to climb the inside of my wall. It continues to fail at the task. While my cat sits at attention near the bathroom sink absolutely enthralled by this, I’m finding it 1) annoying, 2) slightly unnerving knowing there may be rodents in my building, & 3) even more unnerving knowing whatever is in my wall may die there, thus causing a bit of an oder problem in my apartment. I’m hoping my ingenious “ignore it until it goes away” technique will prevail as always!

Happy Sunday everyone.

UPDATE (11:23 pm): Whatever’s in there made a second attempt to escape it’s narrow confines about an hour ago. I haven’t heard it since so I’m hoping it got out to go annoy some other poor soul. The last thing I want is to wake up at 3:30 am to the soothing sounds of tiny mysterious claws on drywall.

UPDATE (12-22-08): Nope, it’s still there. I may need to take either the sledgehammer or shotgun suggestions into consideration.