Directed by: Oren Peli
Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Mark Fredrichs
Released: September 25, 2009 (limited)

Not since the much loved/hated ‘Blair Witch Project’ (a movie I enjoyed greatly), have we seen a marketing campaign for a horror movie quite like the one for ‘Paranormal Activity’. Initially only opening in 13 cities across the U.S., horror buffs had to go to the movie’s website and demand the movie be brought to their neck of the woods. That “want what you can’t have” mentality combined with a trailer and reviews promising the movie will make you crap your theater seat and hork your dinner in the aisles resulted in ‘Paranormal Activity’ not only becoming a big success, but becoming a fucking HUGE one. With a total production budget of only $15,000, ‘Paranormal Activity’ has currently managed to pull in nearly $37 million dollars. 37 goddamn million dollars. Now, I’m no expert, but I’d have to say that’s quite the modest return on investment.

So, yeah we know this movie made an assload of money. That’s awesome, good for them. But as any moviegoer who’s had to sit through an overhyped shitpile knows, tons of movies that rake in the big bucks are complete dogshit *cough*transformers2*cough*. I think the questions that most people need answering are these: is this movie any good and is it as scary as all of the reviews and trailers are making it out to be? The answers, my dear readers, are “yes” and “ehhhh, not quite”.

Directed by: Stephen Sommers
Starring: Channing Tatum, Dennis Quaid, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston
Released: August 7, 2009

I’m going to keep this extremely short and sweet: if you are a huge fan of the 80’s G.I. Joe cartoon, was obsessed with collecting the action figures or were an avid reader of the comic books, this movie will piss you right the hell off. While Stephen Sommers has indeed created an escapist action/fantasy movie much in the same vein as his ‘Mummy’ and ‘Van Helsing’ efforts (read: shit), his vision of G.I. Joe bares almost no resemblance to the real American heroes of childhoods past.

Directed by: Zack Snyder
Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Jackie Earle Haley, Billy Crudup, Patrick Wilson, Malin Akerman, Matthew Goode
Released: March 6, 2009

When it comes to comic book royalty, nothing can surpass Alan Moore & David Gibbons’ 1986 masterpiece Watchmen. As the quintessential graphic novel to fans and critics worldwide, it’s been in print for more than 20 years, and is the only comic book to appear on Time Magazine’s list of “the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present”. Watchmen fans are hardcore. The are dedicated, bordering on obsessed. And when they heard that Zack Snyder, the man behind the 2004 ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake and 2006’s grandiose ‘300′, was going to make a film based on their beloved classic, there was an almost equal mix of intense excitement and apprehension. Could Snyder take Moore & Gibbon’s dark, twisted tale of murder, suspense & humanity and translate it to the big screen?

On March 6th, we all found out… continue reading to see my enormously long take on the issue.

Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Derek Mears
Released: February 13, 2009

I may not be as huge a Friday the 13th fan as some people I know (yeah I’m looking at you Gerry), but I sure as hell know a good teen slasher film when I see it. With the number of horror remakes hitting the big screen these last few years that have come as a disappointment to the majority of fans of the originals, I’m glad to say that this reimagined adaptation of the classic “Friday the 13th” series is just about everything you’d want in a return weekend excursion to the iconic Crystal Lake.

Directed by: Scott Derrickson
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith, Kathy Bates
Released: December 12, 2008

“The Day the Earth Stood Still” follows the story of Klaatu (Keanu Reeves), and alien visitor who comes to Earth to give an important message to all the leaders of our planet. This turns out to be a difficult task when he is first shot, then help captive by a scared and confused U.S. government. With the help of Gort, a giant robot accompanying Klaatu that is only used in times of violence, Klaatu delivers his message in a destructive and terriffying manner. Dr. Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly) and her son Jacob (Jaden Smith) are the only people that can convince Klaatu that we have a chance as a species… that we can be saved. But is it already too late? Dunn-duunnn-DUUUUUNNNN!

Now, be warned… ahead thar be spoilers!

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Jason Statham, Ian McShane, Joan Allen, Tyrese Gibson, Natalie Martinez
Released: August 22, 2008

With never seeing the David Carradine & Sly Stallone version from the 70’s, I went into seeing ‘Death Race’ with absolutely zero preconceptions, and honestly, expectations. This Summer has been filled with numerous movie premiers where I couldn’t wait for Friday to get here soon enough. This simply wasn’t one of them… it was more along the lines of the fact that it was Friday night, I had nothing better to do, and I had a craving for theater popcorn. But somehow, amazingly, I found this movie to be strangely entertaining. In fact, I’ll go so far as saying it was a damn good action movie and if you like explosions, car crashes, and massive amounts of violence (and, admit it, who doesn’t), you’ll have a good time watching the carnage unfold on the screen.