I’ve been to a ton of metal concerts over the years… from giant stadium shows like Ozzfest and Metal Masters to concerts in small clubs and bars (which I actually prefer for the most part). In the course of my headbanging experiences, I’ve noticed a trend in who frequents a good number of these shows. Sure, the majority of people I see are your standard metalheads… black t-shirts, leather, tattoos, piercings and all… but then there are those exceptional people who seem to define the entire concert-going experience with their simple presence. Join me as I list out the top 7 of these people. Why 7, you ask? Because the number 10 is overrated. Plus it’s my website and I can do whatever I damn well please. Now, enjoy… and be sure to tell me in the comments if you’ve ever encountered any of these interesting and infuriating folks. If you have any additions for other concert regulars, be sure to let me know in the comments as well.

The “enjoy the taste of my hair” guy
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been stuck behind some guy with hair down to his lower back and the insatiable need to headbang nonstop. But not just headbang, oh no… a compete upper body bang that results in a rainbow arch of wet golden locks on a direct collision course with your face. I usually find myself thinking, “thanks man, I really wanted to know how to felt to be lashed in the eyes by a weedwacker made of hair.” Usually getting lodged behind this guy isn’t an enjoyable experience as it’s commonly accompanied with the overpowering smell of damp scalp and B.O. Other times, however, he can offer a cool breeze and the faint, pleasant smell of shampoo (depending on if he’d showered that day of course). It really is a toss-up, though the bad greatly outweighs the good qualities of standing behind this person.

The wasted “coming through” guy
Thanks, drunk guy… how did you know I was thinking I’d rather absorb this beer through the front of my shirt than through my mouth as I normally do. Drinking beer? Booooooring! I get so much more pleasure stinking of it as it soaks into my clothing. I’m also quite pleased you were able to see with your half-opened eyes that there was in fact a 2 inch gap between the person next to me and myself. Hell, that’s certainly more than enough room for you to charge through without so much as saying a word. It’s not as if anyone here had a drink in their hands or doesn’t enjoy being physically assaulted by some drunk asshat that wants to get closer to the stage. However, don’t be surprised if you experience a sharp stabbing pain in your side as my elbows make contact with your kidney. What? Not having fun?

The completely out of place guy
Hmmm, a bright orange polo seems like an odd fashion choice when attending a death metal show. Though, without fail, you always seem to see one guy that stands out like Bao Xishun at a midget convention. Was he invited by friends and didn’t realize a band called BloodFart ™ didn’t play his usual dose of easy listening? No, Kalmah are not a ska band. Sorry dude. Are you even getting into this music at all, as you stand there statuesque staring glassy-eyed at the stage? Hey, I’m all for people trying new things, but the way you cringe in disgust when anyone so much as touches you makes me think you may not want to be standing on the floor when the moshpit opens up.

The way-too-fucking-metal guy
This guy takes being a concert-goer to a whole new level. For him, every day is Halloween! How fun! Normally I go to a show to watch the bands… sure, downing a few beers is part of the plan as well, but mainly I want to see the bands I like perform the music I enjoy to listen to. I go to enjoy the show… not be part of the sideshow attractions on the floor. These guys seem to go for the sole sake have having people gawk at them. But of course when you think about it, how else can you fully express your inner self without corpsepaint on your face or wearing a full-body leather man-dress? How many zippers and buckles are too many to have on a pair of pants you ask? I beleive that number is far too large to compute. Yeah, neat. We get it. You’re a nonconformist. Join the club.

The make-my-own-moshpit guy
Much like the wasted “coming through” guy, this sonamubitch seems to love to make the entire concert experience horrible for everyone but himself. He seems to think it’s a great idea, no matter where he happens to be at the time, to start violently pushing and running into everyone around him. Drinks go flying, people fall over, and an abundance of “what the fuck?!”’s are heard… a fun time for all. Yeah man, though I absolutely love getting nearly knocked over and spilling my beer down the back of the guy in front of me, if I really wanted to fall over or get an elbow to the eye socket, I would just walk the 15 feet to my left where an actual moshpit is. I’m sorry, but not everyone here is as into the hardcore breakdown as you are… if you want to stomp around like godzilla, go over to the big open area on the floor and do so with the rest of the godzilla-stomping motherfuckers over there. At least then I wouldn’t be wasting so much damn money on spilled drinks.

The chick mosher
One of the only people at any show that seems to be able to get away with damn near anything they want is the chick mosher. I enjoy standing on the outskirts of the pit watching as every guy does his best to not even so much as touch the raged-out chick that is doing her best to egg on anyone she can find. On a few occasions I’ve laughed my ass off as a full-out body check sends her flying across the pit and onto her face (read: getting what she deserves), though those occurrences are few and very infrequent. More often than not what I see is a bunch of roid-raged motherfuckers doing their best to swerve around the crazy drunk chick who doesn’t realize she has zero chance of not getting absolutely destroyed if everyone else wasn’t holding back. The only real opponent to a chick mosher is… another chick mosher. And once that happens, you may as well break out the jello and kiddie pool, sit back, and enjoy the show.

The giant, sweaty, shirtless guy
I can honestly say I have yet to go to a single show where this guy didn’t make an appearance. I’m not sure what possesses him to remove any articles of clothing during the show, but needless to say, it’s really not his best decision, and results in a horrible experience for all around him. After years of concert-going experience, I’ve concluded that there are two varieties of this person: the brillo and the slip-n-slide. On one end of the spectrum you have the brillo, called as such because his hairy bulky mass feels much like the dishwashing product as you’re unwillingly pushed against him or as he slides past you while you stand on the outskirts of the moshpit. I can’t say the experience of is enjoyable. On the other end of the spectrum, you have what I like to call the slip-n-slide… a hairless hulking wonder that seems to secrete KY jelly from every pore of his body. Does hair not grow in this KY-abundant environment? These are questions science has yet to answer. Either way, if you make contact with this person in or out of the moshpit, be prepared to instantly wish you could take a bath as you’re covered with a fine slimey film that will last the rest of the show. Additionally, his natural secretions make him a formidable foe in the pit, as his slimy casing offers no grip for an opponent to easily push him over. He is to be feared by all. You’ve been warned.