Until I’m able to completely cleanse my system of the Hooburito induced grease that’s been oozing from my pores since this weekend, the only person I want to hear the dreaded “H” word from is Frazzles the Channel 101 Squirrel.

If anyone who frequents HMG hasn’t seen the amazing TV show created by The Lonely Island (aka Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg… aka those responsible for the only redeeming content from SNL in the last decade), you need to asap. That show is called “The ‘Bu”. As in Malibu. But shorter. Since that’s how the kids are talking these days I guess.

In 3-D! Holy hell, watch it now!!

TOTALLY AWWWESOME!

The Project Hate MCMXCIX – “You Come To Me Through Hell”
From the album: The Lustrate Process

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Why this song doesn’t suck:
Oh boy oh boy! One of my favorite industrial death bands, The Project Hate, is releasing a new album next month! And wait! What’s this? A new song from that album you say?! Well fuck me sideways! Inject that awesomeness directly into my eager earballs! Pronto!

Since I first got my hands on their 2005 album, “Armageddon March Eternal (Symphonies of Slit Wrists)”, I’ve been eating up everything The Project Hate has ever written. Their fresh mix of midpaced, growl-laden death metal with electronic/industrial elements and angelic female vocals thrown in to top off the awesome makes nearly everything this band releases pure aural gold for me. This new track is certainly no exception. With enough twists and turns throughout, the near 9-minute run time never even nears the realm of “boring” for me. Plus we get treated to quite a few guest surprises throughout to keep us on our toes.

Late Friday night while on our return trip from a Detroit Tigers game, my sister, G3 and I hit up Denny’s. Nothing new there… it’s become customary to stop at the Belleville Denny’s while on a late night ride home from the D. This visit was different however. For this time, my face was rocked the fuck off by a meal created by most extreme… most hardcore… most incredibly talented musicians of our time: Hoobastank! That’s right, I had the honor of feasting on the mighty HOOBURRITO! Yes, Hoobastank has their own burrito meal at Denny’s. They’ve finally hit the bigtime. How exciting.

Alright, since sarcasm isn’t an easy thing to pick up when reading, I’ll stop with the bullshit now: this thing fucking sucked. While reading the description, I was intrigued to try this condensed and tightly wrapped blend of chicken, fried onions and bbq sauce. The experience of eating this overcooked greasepile however, was far from enjoyable. Every element of this meal made me feel like I needed to take a shower… I could feel my pores filling up and arteries clogging with every wet, burnt bite from the deep fried innards of the semi-transparent soft shell.

Served with tortilla chips! Get your’s today!

What incredibly huge fucking tools.

Avantasia – “Avantasia”
From the album: Avantasia: The Metal Opera – Part I

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Why this song doesn’t suck:
Sure, power metal has a tendency to be over the top and corny at times, but if done right it can be some of the most (for lack of a better word) powerful music ever perceived by human earholes. In 1999, Edguy frontman, Tobias Sammet, began writing the songs for what would become his Avantasia side project’s first release, 2000’s aptly titled The Metal Opera. This album contained some of the best power metal to be released in recent memory, my favorite of which happens to be the band’s self-titled track, “Avantasia”. This is power metal done right.

HOLY HELL. According to several sources, including Metal Hammer Magazine and Blabbermouth.net, Fear Factory fans are in for one hell of a headbanging gift come this Summer. Band mainmen Burton C. Bell (vocals) and Dino Cazarez (guitar) have finally put aside their petty differences and joined forces in Fear Factory once again! Joining them to form the strongest FF lineup imaginable is bassist Byron Stroud and drumming god Gene Hoglan. Gene – fucking – Hoglan. I swear, the simple addition of Gene can increase the ballscrushingly-awesomenessitude of any band tenfold. Words can barely express how amazing I think this all sounds (and my creation of several new words in the previous sentence only strengthen this argument).

Fear Factory: Deluxe Edition plans to play several shows this Summer, though no word on what those shows may be just yet. My guess is a few festivals overseas or in the U.S. if we’re lucky (though chances of that are low since the U.S. is sadly lacking in the metalfests our European headbanging brethen enjoy every year). The band also plans to record a new album in the near future. I, for one, can’t wait to hear what these guys can come up with. I’ve liked their last 2 albums without Dino, so I’m interested to hear if he can bring the band to a new whole level… or if we’ll be punished with another Digimortal. Please… oh god please… NO.

For a quick and to-the-point reminder of Fear Factory’s glory days, enjoy the video below…

THERE! IS! NO! LOOOOOOVE!

Samael – “Promised Land”
From the album: Solar Soul

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Why this song doesn’t suck:
After an unforgivably long break in providing your weekly unshitty music fix, the Music That Doesn’t Suck series returns with a relatively new favorite. Well, at least for me. Samael is a band that has been around for quite some time, though I wasn’t introduced to them until fairly recently. From what I can gather, over the past 20 years or so Samael has been updating their style to a more electronic / industrial sound, slowly moving away from their black metal beginnings. I for one enjoy their current sound, so I have no complaints… though I’m sure their fans of old are loosing their shit as most diehard fans of bands going through a genre shift do. Understandable, though ultimately pointless… this album kicks ass.